Feeling Small

I recently made a conscious decision to form a new habit: to connect with more people both online and offline. I’ve always known that connections, social media and content production were important to my success. But, like many, I’ve always struggled with these things.

As is typical in many stories you read about when someone begins down the path of content development and social media interactions, I held/hold onto fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what people will think. Fear of my own success. Fear of looking like an idiot – or worse, not even being noticed.

I know in my mind that these fears are misplaced. I know in my mind that I should be focusing on the fact that everyone (that reads it) seems to like my writing. I should be focusing on the fact that I want my writing to drive my future success. This is a challenge. I suspect this challenge is one that even the big-name writers deal with on a regular basis. Granted, they’ve obviously gained a better grasp on the appropriate “things” that help move past these fears more readily than most, including myself.

If you follow the marketing and social media space in any capacity, you’re being reminded daily that those that produce content regularly are more likely to achieve success. Somewhat of an afterthought is the point about ensuring the content is of any kind of quality, but that’s a topic for another post.

The Harsh Truth of Reality

“Use Google Alerts: Who’s talking about you? No one? Then do things to be talked about.”

My wife loves me. My son loves me. My mom loves me. My dad even loves me – though we only acknowledge it through man/bro-hugs. It took a simple Twitter application for me to realize I’m not as special as I used to think I was. Sure, I have pretty high self-esteem, but I’ve realized, I think, a more realistic awareness of my current place in the world.

I logged into Justunfollow.com tonight – really out of curiosity – and realized a harsh truth: I’m nowhere near the level of the likes of @chrisbrogan, @lisabarone, @petershankman, @heidicohen, @sugarrae, @stevegarfield, or @ramit (and those are just the ones I could think of right off the top of my head). I’ve followed each of these people, admittedly off-and-on, for several years now.

The harsh truth: I wasn’t important enough for these people to follow me back. Or they only follow people they know, which is also upsetting in it’s own way, since it makes me realize I don’t make opportunities to meet these people in person a priority. Justunfollow.com, like Data from Star Trek TNG, enlightened me of the news in a non-emotional, factual way. I could actually see him in my mind, with his robotic head-tilt, and heard him say, “I am curious. Why do you care so much about whether these people follow you or not?”

When I stop and think about it, I’m faced with the harsh truth of the matter: I’ve done nothing deserving of being noticed – not online anyway, not yet. Sure, I’ve written a bundle of blog posts. A few have even gotten me some search traffic. But nothing that makes me (or anyone else, for that matter) say, “Wow, this is awesome!”

Alan Weiss (@bentleygtcspeed) has tweeted:
Use Google Alerts: Who’s talking about you? No one? Then do things to be talked about.

It really is simple, good advice. Though following it is not necessarily easy. I personally believe, when I self-diagnose, that I get in my own way, like so many others.

Here’s the thing: I completely agree with Alan’s advice. It is actually pretty common advice, just said in different ways by different people. The problem, at least for me, is figuring out what to do that will be worthy of being talked about. I don’t want to be an echo, constantly regurgitating and essentially copying the aforementioned “stars” of the online marketing and social media space. And I don’t want to produce crap that no one really cares about.

This is where I usually get stuck. I open a place to write, go into full-screen mode, and stare at a blinking cursor on a blank screen, unable to force my figures to just type. I’ve noticed something, though, and that is the fact that the people that make it big in this space are the ones that are constantly putting themselves out there.

Sure, I don’t read every post that any of the people I mentioned above post. As a matter of fact, I’m probably not even close to being their favorite fan, I don’t obsess over their every word. I do, however, gain tremendous value from them all, and so I continue to “check in” and see what they’re up to. It was when I realized this about my own actions that I realized my fears and petty disappointment about not being followed back by some of my favorites in this space were misguided.

The exciting thing here is that when we realize we aren’t ever going to be everything to everyone, all the time, it becomes easier to just be ourselves and be passionate about the stuff we want to be passionate about. It allows us to produce, and ship, and get to that level.

I wake up early. I stay up late. On an average night, I sleep for about 5 or 6 hours. It is usually plenty for me. Though my recent run-in with Shingles might make some people believe otherwise. I normally wake up refreshed, energized, and ready to enjoy the day and its many adventures. Every once and a while, though, too many 5-hour nights in a row, combined with a starchy lunch, creates for a slow-paced afternoon.

You know the feeling. That “2:30 feeling”. 5-hour Energy has made millions of dollars on that slogan. Interestingly enough, I’ve experienced this feeling even on days where I have had multiple 7-hour nights of sleep in a row. The cause: starch. I’m not a nutritionist, so I’ll let you do your own research on why starch causes the post-lunch crashes. In brief, it has to do with starch turning into sugar in the body, and the body’s blood-sugar levels and insulin levels being altered.

The problem with a groggy afternoon is a huge dip in productivity. It’s why other countries, like Spain, take siestas. Our circadian rhythms tend to cycle in such a way that the afternoons create a bout of drowsiness. Some people even experience it regardless of whether they have had a large or starchy lunch or not.

Over-Worked, Stressed, Tired, But Productive?

So why don’t we take siestas? Americans (and other countries around the globe) have developed a very competitive, over-loaded mindset that makes many of us believe that we can’t take a break or we won’t get anything done. Manual labor jobs seem more likely to have this mindset. Thinking back to every manual labor position I had, there wasn’t a single one that valued giving employees a chance to rest and regenerate over a break. We were lucky to get a 15 minute break before and after lunch; and lunch was only 30 minutes (the required minimum for an 8-hour workday in Texas).

It is the workplace culture here, it seems, that to take a break is counter-productive. If we take a 15 minute break, that’s 15 minutes of lost time for the company. Customers will have to wait, and they might get impatient, and we might lose the business. If we take an hour for lunch, the same thing might happen. No argument that this is a valid concern; but it’s the wrong mindset.

Longer Work Days, Longer Breaks, More Productive Employees

Companies have perfected the dance that is coordinating multiple people’s schedules to accommodate working shifts. There is no reason that same methodology and process couldn’t be applied to providing workers with the ability to take a longer break during the work day. Ideally, the way to achieve this would be through a longer work day. If the typical work day is eight hours with an hour for lunch, then maybe it makes sense to make the work day nine hours long but with the ability to take a two-hour lunch.

A Nine-Hour Work Day Provides Several Benefits

Longer lunches allow employees to run their personal errands during the day. Things like going to the bank, the post office, the DMV, and other similar places that are notorious for long waits and not being open during after-work hours. A longer lunch would let employees take care of personal issues during the day, which leads to happier employees.

Happier Employees Produce More

You’ve probably experienced this. When employees are happy with their jobs, their employers, and their managers, they tend to be more inclined to work harder and produce more. Combine this extra drive with increased rest and alertness, and companies have a powerful combination for success. Employers and managers should also take note that some employees (not all, mind you) are also willing to be paid less when they are happy where they work. Money isn’t everything to all employees. Many just want enough to get by, leave a comfortable life, spend time with their families, and do the things in life they want to do.

Afternoon Naps Boost Productivity

20 minutes. I know people that spend 6-10 times that just browsing around on Facebook during the work day – from work! It gives them a way to look like they are busy, without actually doing anything. Facebook isn’t the only culprit. Some people might sit  and read “relevant” articles (which of course means they are watching YouTube, or something else). The point is, instead of forcing employees to be in a situation where they have to force themselves to do something active so they can stay awake, why not encourage a 20 minute nap. Instead of killing braincells on mindless activities on the Internet, employees will be able to take an energizing nap. When they wake up, they will be rested, more alert, and more productive.

Just start typing.

That’s what I often read when I search for ways to overcome writer’s block. Writer’s block. Such an interesting phrase, really. Could it be that there is really a double meaning to the use of “block”? Why not call it “writer’s constipation”? It’s really a better description, in my opinion.

Maybe it’s because I grew up playing football (and I’m coaching it now, too) but when I think of “blocking” I think of an outside force intentionally stopping you from achieving an objective. The reality, though, is that writer’s block is nothing more than us getting in our own way. Kind of like tripping on our own feet when we are trying to perform a physical movement that requires a bit of agility.

But maybe we don’t call it writer’s constipation because we don’t want to think about what constipation really (normally) references. That’s fair, I don’t really like to think about it either, so I can see that side of it, too. But let’s, for a moment, pretend it is called writer’s constipation. If we’re using the comparison to the physiological reference, then the solution is usually fiber.

What would qualify as “writer’s fiber”?

Honestly, I haven’t the slightest idea where to begin to determine what would qualify. I’ll give a shot, though. I’ll be right back, let’s see what Google has to say on the subject…

Okay, I’m back. Didn’t yield much. I did find this guy who feels similarly about the concept.

The real problem.

I had an enlightened moment as I started to write this, and as I was reading Stuart’s post about writer’s constipation. I realized that a large part of my issue is a lack of confidence in my own writing. I worry that what I have to say isn’t interesting to anyone, or worse, that people will read what I’ve written and think I’m silly, stupid, weird, etc. I’ve also discovered that many of the people that have written remarkable work all have one similar thing in common: they believe that one of the keys to being a good writer is actually to be a good reader.

So, I believe the best “writer’s fiber” is actually a formula:

6 parts practicing + 4 parts reading + 3 parts confidence + 1 part hint of arrogance

Let’s break that down.

6 Parts Practicing

Without practice, no one gets any better at anything, regardless of the activity. Even the best athletes practice, a lot. Jordan, Gretsky, Woods, Ali, Rice. All spoke about relentless practice. So the first part of my formula is to practice writing, a lot, daily preferably, multiple times per day if possible. Here’s the key, I think: even if what is produced is total crap, that’s the point, get the junk out, refine, and eventually you work toward the masterpiece.

4 Parts Reading

Emulation is one of the greatest training tools for the brain. We learn by example. If someone else has already done something, and we copy them, we find it to be drastically easier to complete a task than if we have no example to follow. Reading other great written works is a great way to train the brain on how words should flow on a page/screen. This is also why athletes watch film of past performances and performances of their upcoming competition.

3 Parts Confidence

I’ve discovered that many of the great writers and content producers I’ve come to admire have this in common: confidence. They know that they have the ability to produce great material, and they aren’t worried about what people think. Sure, deep down, they may still have elements of concern for their audience, but they aren’t fearful of being crushed by a lackluster performance. They accept the reality of (life really) things in that we will always experience ups and downs. Sometimes we’ll deliver with impact and pizazz. Others we’ll simply get through it. It’s accepted by even the greats that sometimes, we produce shit. Accepting it, and moving past it, is the key to building and maintaining confidence in the ability to produce gold.

1 Part Hint of Arrogance

Just to carry forward with the concept of having confidence. We have to realize that it is truly impossible to please everyone. This is especially true if we have passion. Passion is a one-sided focus on a given thought process. The “opposite” side is of little concern to the passionate, unless of course it is to passionately proclaim how wrong it is. The point, though, is that we have to produce, constantly, without letting anyone slow us down.

I suffered from this for a long time. I try to please people. This is partially because I have a tendency to “know I’m right” in a lot of situations, which has, in the past, given me a bit of a reputation for being an asshole. Just ask Lynne, she’s the one that brought it to my attention when we were first dating. I didn’t want to be considered an asshole, so I tried to compensate by trying to please everyone. This doesn’t work either.

So to deliver with impact, the content we produce must be something we believe in with passion. We have to be willing to burn the ships, knowing we will make it out on the other side.

The Quick Writer’s Block Fix

Under a deadline? This is my suggestion for this situation:

Ignore everything else, lock yourself in a closet or small room (seriously), close your eyes, and write anything. It doesn’t have to relate to your deadline piece. Actually, it’s probably better if it doesn’t. The idea is to get your brain to wake up, to get the connection from your brain to your fingers to work. Write a stupid short story about what you ate for breakfast, it doesn’t matter. Just write.

Eventually, you’ll naturally transition from writing about nothing, to writing about something powerful.

It’s 3:43 in the morning. What am I doing up? I’ve been struggling lately. I am not really on the path that I want to be on, though everything should be fine. Business is good, I’ve consolidated and/or dissolved most of the numerous “ventures” I started over the last few years. My office is clean and organized, things are coming together. So why do I feel like doing absolutely nothing?

I overcomplicate the hell out of everything, and I am terrible about lacking focus. It drives Lynne crazy. It drives me crazy. I’ve had this problem for a long time, too. Some people like to claim perfectionism. I don’t know if I agree with that being the true cause of my lack of motivation, though. Sometimes I feel like Peter on Office Space: “I’d sit around all day, and do absolutely nothing.” Of course, I can’t even settle on that plan, either, I’d get bored with it and shift into something else.

My mom tried to help me out years ago, and bought Jack Canfield’s book, The Power of Focus. Really a thoughtful gesture. Only one problem, I can’t seem to focus long enough to actually read it!

It probably doesn’t help that it’s almost 4:00 am, but I can’t really think straight, and I’m going to publish this post without really thinking about it (like I normally do). Maybe this is how I should operate on a normal basis? Hey, Gary Larson supposedly did incredibly well following this plan…

I’m just going to go to bed, and hope that I wake up tomorrow (well, later today) with a clearer picture of my next steps.

I’ve got a nightly ritual.

After I get done with finishing whatever it is I’m working on for the night, I go to the kitchen, open the pantry, look around, find nothing I really want, grab a glass from the cabinet, fill it with water, drink it down, head to the bathroom, brush my teeth, do the deed, then climb in bed with Lynne (usually already asleep at this point) and my iPad. When I know there is a show waiting for me, I’ll open the Hulu app, find what I’m looking for, and watch. Other times, I’ll open Netflix and find a movie to watch.

Lynne decided to watch a movie on Netflix last night. When I climbed into bed, she was halfway through The Joneses (aff link) with Demi Moore and David Duchovny. It didn’t take me long to be confused since I came in right in the middle of everything. Instead of starting it over, though, I watched it through to the end – not the most recommended way to watch a movie, I might add. At the end, I was intrigued, soI started the movie over so I could catch the beginning.

So what? Well, the movie is a dark twist on the concept of keeping up with the Joneses. And it plays right into the psyche of a marketing nerd such as myself. The basic premise: a marketing firm (not a traditional one in the least) promises its clients to increase sales through “self-marketing”. In essence, the firm hires people to act as the “perfect family” and puts them in a nice house, with all the nice things you can conjure up – big screen LCD TVs, the latest handheld devices, Audi Roadsters, jewelry, high-end perfumes and cosmetics, and on it goes. The objective? Make your neighbors envious enough to buy the things you have. I won’t spoil the end, but it gets pretty grim.

The concept is actually pretty smart from a business standpoint. What better way to get people to buy your product than to have someone that is the epitome of status conspicuously wearing, driving, or using your product and talking about how wonderful it is to their “friends”. The guards are down, people have no idea they are actually being “sold”. The walls that we all have when we’re dealing with salespeople are virtually eliminated.

A Marketer’s Dilema

Having grown up in suburbia, the concept of keeping up with the Joneses is no mystery to me. I actually took advantage of this very concept myself when I was selling kitchen cutlery in college. I would walk into one neighbor’s house – 7 out of 10 which I had babysat their kids at least once or twice – and give my “presentation”. To seal the deal, simple, I just mentioned how the Joneses (yes, we actually had a family with last name Jones on our street) just bought the top-of-the-line set and they are stoked! I sold $15,000 in kitchen cutlery in 3 days – to give you some relation, that made me the top performing salesperson for the company in the entire nation.

As a marketing consultant, I’m in a position of awareness that many people can only pretend they are in. Many people believe they know when they are being sold or coerced. Everyone thinks they know how to deal with that retail sales associate or the car salesperson. See, the difference is, I have been professionally trained and educated to actually teach marketers and salespeople how to get in your head and convince you to buy their product – without you knowing it.

Watching The Joneses, however, I was re-awakened to the danger of being too good at my job as a marketer. Our society has been built on the premise that we are to spend, spend, spend. The concept of saving our money is, at times, unpatriotic. Whenever anyone talks about the economy, the only thing they really reference is spending. Is spending up or down. If spending is up, we are in a positive economy. If spending is down, times are bad and we have to go out and spend more to “turn the economy around”.

Consumerism, fueled by greedy corporate executives in a capitalist society, has the potential to destroy each and every one of us.

The trouble I face, is that I believe there are companies out there, with products that are truly useful, that deserve to get their message out. Weeding through all the companies out there, to find the ones that deserve getting help, can be a challenge, to say the least. The world of high-fashion and luxury cars makes sense to me. I get it. I used to want to live it – terribly. Growing up in suburbia will do that to most people. Even those of us that think we don’t want all those things still find ourselves struggling to feel as though we fit in when we don’t have all those niceties.

Responsible Marketing vs. Buyer Beware

Companies that offer genuinely useful products that serve a purpose should be doing everything they can to educate and inform their buyers. Companies that are simply trying to make a buck should be squashed. Marketing responsibly should be a function of the companies performing the act. Unfortunately, the concept of self-regulation in a greed-driven society is naive, at best.

The responsibility then falls to the consumer, to you. My job, as a marketer, is to get you to buy the things I’m selling. And make no mistake, I’m very good at my job. My clients wouldn’t keep me around if I wasn’t – that’s just reality. I know how to get in your head. I know how to make you turn that simple want for a product into a need in your mind without breaking a sweat. And when you need something, naturally the course of action is to buy it.

So, next time you’re thinking of buying something, don’t ignore your own conscious telling you that you don’t really need to buy that product. It’s probably telling you the truth. Think about me, whispering in your ear, convincing you that you need this product, or you won’t know what to do with yourself. You don’t really need it, I’m actually full of it.

Okay, that last part isn’t really always true, especially because I only work with clients that actually have products worth buying – when it makes sense to buy them. I will never condone your purchasing a product if you can’t afford it. Everyone’s definition is different, but mine is this: if you don’t have the money (not the credit, credit truly is evil), then you can’t afford it. And if you can’t afford it, don’t buy it. The responsibility is yours. Don’t rely on “truth in advertising” laws – they suck, and they don’t really protect you from anything.

Now, go out and spend. Wait, that’s not what I meant, or was it? Hmm…

A couple weeks back, Lynne decided to admit that she was allowing herself to be distracted by watching too much television. The culprit, she stated, was that with the cable service we had subscribed to, it was nearly impossible to turn the TV off.

She has been a TV-holic since I’ve known her, though it was never something she would readily admit – not that I blame her, no one likes to admit they are obsessed or addicted to anything (at least not when it is being discussed in a negative light).

When she decided to try not turning the TV on for a full week, I was excited, though not convinced, that this would be a life-changing event, for all of us. The first few days were an obvious challenge, and not just for Wifey; Caden was struggling a bit with the transition, too. Of course, his struggle might have had something to do with the fact that he was also grounded from his new Xbox 360 on the same week.

Benefits of Not Watching TV

As we quickly learned, not constantly turning the TV on has many side effects (most of them positive).

As we didn’t have the TV on to distract us, the time we normally spent watching meaningless shows was reallocated to reading books. As Lynne just recently enrolled with Integrative Nutrition, this focus shift to reading and studying will make the transition to an education environment that much easier to manage.

I’ve also noticed a significant shift in Wifey’s mindset and attitude as well. She doesn’t seem to be nearly as irritable as she used to be after a day with the TV on constantly. It probably has to do with the fact that she has noticed a difference in her sleeping ability as well. She used to not feel well-rested when she woke up in the mornings, even if she slept for 9 or more hours. Now, even with 8 or fewer hours of sleep, she feels well-rested; she has concluded that this is because she no longer has the TV on when she is falling asleep or while she is sleeping.

Caden reads more, and was more motivated to start and establish his new blog, something he started talking about loosely months ago. Now he is excited to begin writing about the sports world. We are also encouraging him to write about his actions that he takes to move closer to his dream of becoming a professional football player. Since he is only 10, the stories that he shares by the time he achieves his dream will be many.

I have been less distracted with the TV off as well. Though I seldom intentionally turned the TV on to watch something, I found that it was very easy to be distracted by the shows that Lynne or Caden would be watching. I don’t like The Real Housewives, but for some reason, when it was on, I couldn’t help but stop and watch it for 15-20 minutes when I took a break from writing or working to get a drink (I have to pass through the living room on my way to the kitchen from my office and vice versa).

We all seem to be more focused, have better attitudes, and are in general better off than we seemed to be before we stopped watching TV. It was this realization that lead us to the discussion about whether or not we should even have cable at all.

Canceling Cable

When we were able to survive a week without the TV being on, we began to wonder whether we should even have cable. We knew we were happier, more positive, more productive, and more focused without the TV on. So it made logical sense to us that if we simply cancelled cable, the temptation would be gone altogether.

We pay for high-speed Internet services that make watching Netflix movies, Hulu TV (aff link) shows, and listening to Pandora Radio an enjoyable experience. With these as a way to watch things on an as-needed basis, we came to the conclusion that paying for cable TV services simply didn’t make sense.

It was quite liberating to call the cable company and determine that we would be cutting our bill in half by canceling the television services. Afterwards, Lynne and I began to discuss how we would watch the few shows that we wanted to keep up with. Initially, as I had done this previously, we discussed setting up a computer in the living room and using a wireless keyboard. After determining that a computer sitting on top of our new modern entertainment shelf (it’s a floating shelf that I built) would ruin the look we were going for with the new shelf, we opted to do some quick research for a device that would be a better solution. After remembering a friend’s experience with Roku, we decided to look at the device a bit.

Buying the Roku

After figuring out that we could get a Roku (aff link) for much less than I remember it costing in the past (I think I was just remembering wrong) we made a fairly quick decision to go ahead and get one. Since we are saving $60 per month on cable services, the cost of a Roku at $80 (we got the XD) is more than paid for after 2 months. We already pay for Netflix ($8/month) and Pandora ($36/year). We hadn’t splurged on Hulu Plus ($8/month) just yet, but we will be now. So the total cost of premium services, at this point will be $19/month, still saving us $41/month or $492/year.

We’ll get the Roku in a few days, but I’m certain we’ll enjoy the experience of owning one. With the Roku, we’ll be able to watch the shows we like to watch without having to remember to record them. The few negative reviews I’ve found seemed to be user-driven issues, or just bad luck. No product can be perfect, so for something to have so many positive reviews, and only a few negative ones, the odds are in our favor. I’ll report back after using it for a few months.

Grief shared is only half grief; joy shared is double joy.
– Honduran Proverb

We humans are a social race. Yes, we value our independence, our solitude, our time to ourselves, and admittedly, there are some humans that thrive on being alone (the rest of us tend to call these people a hermit, anchorite, ascetic, eremite, misanthrope, pillarist, recluse, skeptic, solitaire, or solitarian). For the most part, though, we thrive on being around other people. This is part of the reason we build large cities and small communities to live around other people with similar interests.

The only way to advance ourselves as a race is through social connections. It seems as though individual men and women are provided with credit for grand achievements, and groups are forgotten. This is understandable, as we, as individuals, enjoy the feeling of importance and pride that comes with being given credit for great things. The reality, though, is that behind every great success story that surrounds an individual, there is a story about a partner, or a group of people that the person used as leverage and support to accomplish the things he or she accomplished.

Jesus Christ had the 12 apostles. Queen Elizabeth had William Cecil and a full council. Mahatma Gandhi, Dr Martin Luther King, Jr., Mother Teresa, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln. Name any distinguished leader and you will be able to follow their story and see the interactions and leverage they created through the strength of their adherents.

Strength in Numbers

Have you ever tried to do a large task by yourself? It is a temptation by many of us to believe that we have the ability to perform grandiose achievements without the aid of others. While this may sometimes be true, for large tasks, this usually yields lower quality, longer timelines, and greater stress.

Building a house is a good example. There are multiple aspects to building a house that is structurally sound, safe to live in, environmentally friendly, and a pleasure to call home. The foundation must be set correctly, the frame must be built correctly, the insulation, flooring, roofing, walls, plumbing, fixtures, electricity, heating and cooling, all must be built correctly. Having a general knowledge of all these aspects of a home might put one in a position that allows this to be done, but the likelihood for mistakes and errors goes up significantly. Increased errors and mistakes leads to the project taking much longer than anticipated, and increases costs severely.

General contractors know that by hiring specialists to handle the different aspects of building a home, they are able to leverage the power of the specialized knowledge and ability of those sub-contractors. The job is usually done faster, and in many cases, much cheaper than if just one person tried to do the job by his or herself.

You know the expression, “two heads are better than one”. Those of use with a knack for independence may have a tendency to scoff at this phrase (I know I used to – and still struggle with it at times). The reality embedded in that statement is undeniable, nonetheless.

Grief Shared Is Only Half Grief

Grieving is a deeply personal process. Depending on the circumstance, we may want to cry, sob, drink, meditate, or pray. Seldom do we believe that we want others to be around while we are grieving. We want to be left alone, or we put on a charade amongst the people in our lives that attempts to convince them that we are strong, and that we are not grieving at all. Lying to ourselves and those around us, we increase the negative energy that surrounds the circumstance that causes us to grieve in the first place, further escalating the pain that is felt.

There is no set timeline for grieving. There is no established process that works for everyone. Grieving is different for everyone, and in every circumstance. However, those who open their hearts to the grieving process, and welcome love, encouragement, and assistance find themselves able to manage the emotions with greater ease and less stress.

Notice I didn’t say negative emotions. Grieving is not negative in any way. It is a natural process that all of us must go through in our own way to cope with a loss. The sadness, fear, anxiety, and other so-called negative emotions are simply naturally reactions to the circumstance. They should be embraced for what they are, and then we should move on. It is a ridiculous notion for me to believe that I can get through a grieving process without experiencing any sadness or “down” emotions. I am much better off acknowledging that those feelings are only natural, and that I should embrace them while they are here, and then move past them when I feel I have the strength and positive mindset to do so. When I follow this mindset in any grieving process, I find that I’m able to open up to those around me much quicker, and I am able to get through the grieving process faster, and with greater mental strength.

This experience is further enhanced when I include the other people around me in my grieving. No, this doesn’t mean I bring it up with every person I come into contact with, that wouldn’t be healthy either. Instead, those that offer support and encouragement, I openly accept. I don’t hide my emotions and pretend I’m not saddened or otherwise feeling down. I don’t lie to myself or the people around me, and I open myself to the positive influx of love and joy from others around me in a position to give it freely.

The people that aren’t going through the same grieving process as you are are the people in a position to be able to help you get through it. They are in an emotional place that allows you to share the burden of the negative emotions, and through that sharing, disperse their pain. It may seem selfish to lean on others in a time of grief, but when done only with those that offer the shoulder to lean on, there is nothing selfish about it. When we lend ourselves to those going through the grieving process, we do so because we want to help; we want to share the burden, to facilitate the process moving faster.

Joy Shared Is Double Joy

Ah joy, happiness, glee, bliss, delight, elation, jubilance. To be in a good spirits is my favorite place to be. The second half of the Honduran proverb couldn’t be closer to the truth. When we share our joys with others, we truly experience even greater joy.

It can be a challenge for those that are on the receiving end of someone else’s joy to be as elated as they are. Our pride and ego can impede our natural desire to be happy as well. When we see someone else experiencing positive, many times excited joy, we can be envious of that joy. This is the wrong mindset, even if the joy is being experienced by our worst enemy.

Positive emotions have amazing energy potential. When someone is experiencing joy, and they choose to share it with us, we should welcome it with open arms and minds, ignoring our own impulse to be prideful or arrogant. By openly sharing in the joy and positive experience that surrounds it, we open ourselves to experience our own joy and happiness.

You’ve no doubt experienced this yourself. When your friend is excited about a big promotion, and calls you to celebrate, and you openly express your joy for their good news, you experience a shift in your own circumstances. The positive energy of their circumstance flows over you and engulfs you, creating a blanket of positive emotions, and therefore increasing your own positive circumstances.

The way I like to think about it, is that there really is nothing for me to gain out of being negative about someone else’s joy. If I act upset that someone I know is being promoted, and I’m not, or is making a bunch of money, and I’m not, I do nothing to encourage the same things to come to me. In fact, I am actually repelling those things by being prideful and negative about it. I associate those things with negative emotion, pushing them away from me.

By intentionally focusing on being genuinely happy and joyful at their positive fortune, I attach positive emotions and positive energy to the raise, promotion, or whatever it is that I want in my own life. By increasing my positive mindset surrounding those things, I encourage those things to be attracted to me like a magnet.

The same goes for when I’m experiencing joy myself. When I openly share the joyful circumstance with others, I give them an opportunity to share the joy, thereby increasing my own joy that I get out of the situation. We should never hold back our joy out of fear that it won’t be well-received. If we share our joy, and it’s not well-received, we should simply move on, not letting anyone stifle the wind that is currently pushing our sails. When we share our joy, and it is warmly received, our own joy is multiplied, and our companion gets to increase their own joy.

When it comes to the wealth of potential knowledge that exists in the world, I am a glutton. I subscribe to 96 blogs. That doesn’t count any news or general interest sites. 96 blogs and it climbs every day as I come across new and fascinating people to read. I read their posts daily. I don’t have a grasp on the relativity of that number though. Some mainstream bloggers might read 1,000 blogs every day. Some might read 5. I want to know how many other blogs Chris Brogan reads every day, Steve Pavlina reads, Tony Robbins reads, Brian Tracy reads. These guys are masterful creators of content and information, but surely they spend a considerable amount of time reading other people, right?

One of my biggest challenges has always been to remain focused and see my ideas through to the end. Ideas are going to come into our minds frequently, if we know an idea is better than one we are already working on, we should pursue it. But how do we know which ideas that come to us are right to pursue, and which are the right ones to let pass us by?

Millions of Opportunities

The more I learn about personal development, career success, money, life, relationships, and happiness, the more I’m beginning to understand two things: 1) I don’t know anything; and 2) I want to know everything. There are people in the world that struggle daily with finding something to be passionate about. I can appreciate their strife. With so many opportunities in this world, it’s tough to know which to go after with full force and vigor.
However, the fact that there are so many opportunities is precisely why we should simply pick one, dive in head first, and tackle the issues as they come along, prepared to bend and shift as necessary as life throws its unending curveballs.

It seems we are taught from an early age that we should know what we want to be “when we grow up.” Why? Does it really matter? Is the world going to end if we decide midstream that we want to change direction? NO. In fact, the world is built precisely in a way that actually encourages flexibility and the ability to adapt. For some reason, though, we are taught that we are supposed to pick one path and stay on it. We are told that we must choose a career path and that we are supposed to go to school, rack up mounds of debt, get a job for a “stable” company, then work for that company for 30-40 years, retire, then “live the good life.”

It never sounded quite right when I was growing up, and it doesn’t sound right as I write it now. Something really is wrong with the idea of spending the best years of our life, when we are full of energy, ambition, determination and adventurous spirit sitting behind a desk pushing papers around, pecking at keys on a keyboard, or sucking up to some jerk named Bob (not all Bob’s are jerks, I realize this), at a job we don’t like, living a life we are not happy with. The fundamental “process” by which we are told we are supposed to live our lives is flawed.

Some people are perfectly happy working for the same company for 30-40 years. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this, as long as they are truly happy. People that are happy in this circumstance should applaud themselves for finding contentment and for finding a way to live a peaceful life that they enjoy. Whether we choose to try and change the world, or work a steady job and change the world for our children or our families, or the people of our community, as long as we are happy and passionate about what we do, that is the ultimate life of adventure.

The American Dream

Author Unkown

An American businessman was standing at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish.

“How long did it take you to catch them?” The American asked.

“Only a little while.” The Mexican replied.

“Why don’t you stay out longer and catch more fish?” The American then asked.

“I have enough to support my family’s immediate needs.” The Mexican said.

“But,” The American then asked, “What do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, señor.”

The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds you buy a bigger boat, and with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.”

“Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the consumers, eventually opening your own can factory. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But señor, how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied, “15-20 years.”

“But what then, señor?”

The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO (Initial Public Offering) and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”

“Millions, señor? Then what?”

The American said slowly, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos…”

Why do we feel as though we must sacrifice our best years wishing and hoping we’ll make enough money to last us through retirement? Life is meant to be lived now, not in 15-20 years.

Harnessing Our True Success

Succes is a personal definition. What I consider success, you may consider a life of boredom or uninspired thinking. Though I doubt that, it is possible. What you consider success I might consider downright insane (like running a fleet of ships just because you can). The key to understanding and achieving success is to understand your own impression of what it means to you. Donald Trump‘s success story might sound exciting and appealing, but it’s his story, not yours, not mine. The same goes for Oprah Winfrey, Warren Buffett, J.K. Rowling, Steve Jobs, Mary Kay Ash, Bill Gates, Richard Branson, and the rest of the phenomenal success stories out there.

To harness our true potential, we must set in motion a plan that is flexible and yet built on a solid foundation. I like to think of it as a skyscraper. The Burj Khalifa, currently the tallest building in the world, moves up to 1.5 meters (just short of 5 feet) at the top to accomodate the wind. If it didn’t move that much, and was too rigid, the changing currents of the wind would eventually hit the building in such a way that it would not be able to stand any longer, and it would collapse. Aesop wrote a fable about an Oak Tree and Grass Reeds that also explains this concept.
To harness our true success, we must define our own success and visualize its outcome:

Define Your Personal Success

What is success in your mind? Have you ever sat down, and intentionally come up with your own private definition of the word and what it would mean if you achieved success in your life? Would it really mean lots of money, cars, and stuff? Or would it mean having enough to do the things you want to do in life?

Visualize The End

When you take a moment and envision your life as it will be when you have achieved your definition of success, you won’t think about the stuff. You’ll think about the things you do, the people you’re with, and where you’ll be. Focus on the actual daily activity that you’ll experience when you’ve attained success. What will you think about when you first wake up? What will you think about when you lie down to go to sleep? Who will you be with? What will they be like? Think about your thoughts and the people around you.

Ignore The Stuff

The stuff of life isn’t what matters. It’s the people, and adventures that we take ourselves on and allow ourselves to be lead on that we’ll remember. Those are the things people attach to our legacy. Our fancy sports car isn’t what people will remember. The things we do with other people and how we impact them will be what they remember.

Watch Your Movie In Reverse

In Click (aff link), Adam Sandler plays an architect that is busting his butt to get noticed and promoted by his boss. He is given the “gift” of his own personal life remote. He fast forwards through the “crappy” and “boring” parts of life, only later to realize that he’s missed everything. Imagine you have that same remote, only it doesn’t actually take you through life, it just lets you watch your life, and you can watch any part of it you wish. You may fast-forward to watch you as a success, see yourself as a success, and then rewind the movie of your life and watch all the steps you took to get there. Watch your movie in reverse, and take notes on what you did on the way to the summit.

Enjoy The Journey

Life is not a straight road, it is a windy road with bumps, speed traps, rain, snow, sunshine and anything else you imagine. Instead of fretting about the bumps in the road, start humming like a child does when being driven over a bouncy road. Make the uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh sound that bumps in the road cause a humming baby to make. Smile and laugh at the opportunity at the change of pace in life. Be excited that you don’t have to do the same thing day-in and day-out. Be appreciative that life gives you challenges that are just enough to keep you growing and adapting. Enjoy the journey. Enjoy the adventure.

When I was 5 or so, I contracted Chicken Pox. I barely remember the ordeal, but the one thing I do remember is that I did not enjoy one aspect of having to stay home, put this weird ointment all over my body, and deal with insane itchiness without the ability to scratch. 23 years later, and I have the so-called recurrence of Chicken Pox – Shingles (or Herpes Zoster). Yeah, that’s right, I said Herpes. No, it’s not the kind of Herpes you are thinking of (the STD variety), but still just as upsetting.

Apparently, Shingles is caused by too much stress. I found this surprising as I do not feel as though I stress about anything, really. I tend to have a positive outlook on life, take things in stride, and generally don’t hold grudges or maintain negative thoughts about anything for extended periods of time. That all said, I have another habit that does increase the stress levels of my body: my sleep patterns. I have been dealing with a personal battle to determine when my appropriate sleeping schedule should be. I’ll share it with you sometime, for now, the point is that apparently I stressed my body out, and now I have Shingles.

Seeing A Doctor For The First Time In 10 Years

I’m generally a very healthy person. I only catch a cold maybe once every other year. My body has been blessed with a strong immune system and I try very hard to support it through proper nutrition and exercise. Admittedly, I’m not as good in these areas as I would like, but I maintain focus on them. Going to see a doctor just isn’t something I normally do. The last time I did see a doctor was because I was required to get a physical to be cleared to play sports.

Upon arriving at the clinic this morning, I was welcomed by an unattended, yet lavish reception desk. To the right was where the real reception occurred, little bays with workers’ heads barely above the countertops. As I approached the available staff person, she welcomed me with a warm smile and asked how she might help me.

“I have a rash on my chest, I’m not sure, but I think it may be Shingles,” I replied.
“Okay, have you ever been here before? Or have you ever seen a doctor in from our hospital network?” she asked.
“No. I actually haven’t been to see a doctor in 10 years.”
“Wow. Okay, no problem, just take this and fill it out, please. Thankfully, the on-call physician actually dabbles in dermatology, so that should work out well for you.”
“Thanks. Yeah that does sound fortuitous.”

There’s really nothing special in that dialogue other than the realization I had while in the middle of it. I hadn’t seen a doctor in a decade. Life has been pretty amazing, and I’ve always had my health. There’s something to be truly thankful and appreciative of every single day. It also makes me realize that eating healthy, staying active, and just maintaining a positive attitude does really have a positive impact on my health, and with rising healthcare costs, my wallet.

A Lesson In Poor Assumptions From A Clinical Nurse

After all of my reception paperwork was processed, and I paid my copay for my doctor visit, I was provided some vague directions on where to go and where to wait to be called to see the doctor. After sitting in the waiting hallway for about 15 minutes trying to get 3G to cooperate so Wifey and I could watch an episode of Modern Family on our iPad, I was called back.

Our nurse was nice enough. I don’t remember her name. I’m not even sure if she gave it to us. She probably did, I just didn’t take the time to make sure I remembered it. I know, I know, how rude. As she to ask me some standard medical questions, I couldn’t help but notice that she was making several assumptions about my life and about me before she had even heard my answers.

“Okay, so you don’t have any history of blood disease or high blood pressure?”
“Not that I’m aware of.”
“And no one in your family has a history of blood disease, high blood pressure, cardiovascular disorders, cancer…” (she went through the whole list).
“That’s correct, as far as I know, I don’t.”
“Well, if you did have something like that in your medical history, you’d know about it.” (for those not paying close attention, this was her first poor assumption about me)

The conversation carried on for a few minutes, and she blurted out another poor assumption (I don’t remember the conversation well enough to know exactly what spurred the comment): “Well, we all eat so poorly and put so much crappy stuff in our bodies…” I lost track of what she was saying.

Now, don’t get me wrong, she was a nice lady, and no doubt she was just trying to make me comfortable and make small talk. By the way, therein lies one of the problems with small talk. Why can’t our conversations be more meaningful? Why is it that when we talk with someone we don’t know very well, we are supposed to avoid big topics like politics, religion, sex, etc. Aren’t these things that everyone has an opinion on (usually)? It seems to me, that these are some of the most important topics to talk about as they have such a large impact on our daily lives, but I digress.

Why Assumptions Suck

You may have heard the expression, “don’t assume because when you do, you make an “ass” out of “u” and “me”. Cheesy? Sure, and perhaps not quite the best analogy, but it gets the point across. When we make an assumption about someone else, whether it is right or not, we are discrediting their ability to express themselves. We are disrespecting them on an unconscious (or maybe conscious) level. Disrespect is a negative circumstance, it seldom yields a positive response, and seldom encourages a positive outcome.

When the nurse assumed that I would know if someone in my family had a medical condition worth knowing about, she failed to recognize that I don’t speak with my biological father. I haven’t spoken with him for over 4 years, and before that, I only spoke with him every 3-5 years for about 5 minutes on the phone. Medical histories didn’t really come up. I have no idea, to this day, what medical conditions exist on his side of the family. As I’ve been overwhelmingly healthy, and will be for the foreseeable future, I don’t see the need. The nurse’s assumption regarding the matter, however, felt like a personal attack on my past. I know this wasn’t the case; I know she meant only positive by it, but that is the point I’m making regarding assumptions. We don’t really know anything about anyone until we point-blank ask them. Even then, we may not get a fully truthful answer.

The same applies for when she lumped my wife, son, and I into the same category as what she considers the normal person regarding their diet. This may be because of years of experience working with patients. It may be based on her own personal nutritional struggles, or people she is close to. By lumping us into that same category, though, she insulted our ongoing efforts to remain healthy and clean. Again, I know that wasn’t her intent, most likely, but therein lies the lesson about poor assumptions.

Avoid Making Assumptions

We never really know anything about another person. Even when they tell us certain things, we only believe them based on faith and our perception of the other person. To not make assumptions about people feels inefficient. If we have to ask 300 questions just to make sure we know the truth about someone’s circumstance, that would get pretty drab.

The solution lies in making assumptions that don’t have the chance to offend. Assume positive things about people if you must assume anything at all. Otherwise, assume you have no clue. By assuming we have no clue what the reality is for the other person, we keep our minds open and aware of the fact that they may eventually reveal their true nature to us naturally in time. If they don’t, and it’s pertinent, we should ask them point blank. The worst case scenario that will result from asking someone a personal or what may seem like an obvious question is we don’t get an answer, or we get a blank stare. Either way, it won’t be the end of the world because we opted to ask a question with an open mind to the response rather than assuming just to assume.

When we are children, many of us have teachers, parents, or other adult influences in our lives. Many of us experience great positive influence from these relationships. Others, perhaps, not as much. What we are told as children, however, can have a dramatic impact on our future success.

You Can Do Anything You Put Your Mind To

There were many times growing up when I was told, in the simplest of terms, that I could do anything I wanted, if I just put my mind to it. So, when I said I wanted to be an astronaut, I was told that if that was what I wanted to do, I could, I just had to put my mind to it. Even at six years old, I think I was keenly aware of the warm and fuzzy factor that this statement seems to have.

The problem with making a blanket statement such as you can do anything you put your mind to, is that there is no direction in it; no guidance. What if I had said I wanted to be a telepathic have the ability to transport myself wherever I wanted to go with the help of a transporter device? Would I have been given the same answer? I don’t know, because at six, I didn’t even know what those things were. I’m pretty sure, though, that I would have been told that those things didn’t exist and therefore I couldn’t do them.

This is a challenge that we all face when someone shares a positive, reaching goal that is beyond our own limiting beliefs. We must take the time to realize that our own mental capacities are not the same as other people. We must realize that just because we think it is impossible, it does not mean that it will be impossible for the other person.

Instead of letting our own limiting beliefs be projected onto the other person, we should find a way to motivate and encourage them to learn how they can achieve their dream. They may find in the future that the science of being a self-transporter is impossible. They may choose to accept that impossibility, or they may choose to work tirelessly to achieve the goal. Would you rather them come back in 30 years to tell you that they achieved the dream that you encouraged them to achieve, or would you rather not hear from them ever again, because, like so many others, they just listened to your limiting belief, accepted it, and decided instead to do what everyone else did in life and didn’t amount to anything overwhelmingly special. We all want to be responsible for inspiring others, but we can only do that for people if we keep our own limiting beliefs at bay.

People Can Do Great Things When You Believe They Can

In 1968, Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jacobson conducted a study to determine if a predisposition in expectations for a student by a teacher created a similar reality in the student’s performance. In other words, if a teacher believed a student was going to do well, or had a higher IQ than normal, then their behavior with the student shifted (many times unconsciously), and the student did in fact perform better than those in a control group that the teach was told were “normal”. For those that are interested, this is called the Pygmalion Effect.

Similarly, when teachers were told that a group of students was not going to perform as well, the teacher’s mentality would create an overall more negative outcome. So, regardless of whether the teacher had a negative mindset towards the students, or had a positive mindset towards the students, the end result matched it.

The influential power that we have over other people is downright frightening at times. When I stop and think about the impact that I have on Caden, when I think he is going to screw up or not do something the way I want him to, his subconscious mind is able to pick up on the negative mindset I have, and, interestingly enough, his positive actions tend to be less. When I go out of my way to encourage him and tell him that I know he will do well and he will do things right, because I know he is more than capable of doing so, his reaction is to perform better and with greater positive action.

You Can Do Great Things When You Believe You Can

I believe this principle is foundational in our daily interactions with others and ourselves. When we wake up in a bad mood (what many commonly refer to as “waking up on the wrong side of the bed”) we tend to carry that negative mood into our thoughts as we start the day and we start thinking that it is going to be a rough or bad day. As we get ready in the morning, we might stub our toe, or we can’t get our hair to cooperate and look the way we want it to. We might miss a spot shaving and not realize it until we are well into our commute to the office.

When we wake up and show appreciation for the new day, and focus on the positives of the activities and challenges that lie before us, we are able to start an opposite chain reaction –one of positive responses and energy. We might still stub our toe, but it doesn’t seem to hurt nearly as bad, or at all, and we are able to laugh it off and continue on as though it is the best day ever.

Both of these mindsets become self-fulfilling prophecies in that when we wake up in a negative mood and believe it is going to be a bad day, we usually end up experiencing a bad day. We make bad choices through the clouded judgment of our negative mindset. Alternatively, when we focus on the positive things that are going on in our lives and on this particular day, we create a day that is positive and enjoyable to experience.

What Our Bodies Say When Our Mouths Don’t

Our subconscious minds are incredibly powerful at communicating amongst themselves. Our subconscious is responsible for the intuition that let’s us know when someone is in a bad mood, or when someone is having a great day. Our subconscious is the reason we are able to have a pretty confident idea of when someone is lying to us or telling us the truth – even if we haven’t been taught any formal analysis tricks for determining if someone is lying or telling the truth.

Our subconscious puts out different vibes through our body language that we may never even realize we exude. A great example of where this gets used (usually to our disadvantage, depending on which side of the table we’re on) is during a poker game or similar game that might involve some kind of bluffing (that fancy word for lying). If you’ve been around poker at all, you’ve probably heard of something called a “tell”. A tell is nothing more than an unconscious body movement or twitch that you exude when you are either holding a good set of cards, a bad set of cards, or a so-so set of cards. Those people that have trained themselves on how to read other people’s “tells” can usually very accurately predict if someone is lying or really has a good hand.

Why does this matter? It matters because if we have a negative attitude toward a co-worker, classmate, spouse or child, they can sense it. They may not even know that they can sense it, but their subconscious definitely picks up on it and their own actions reflect the attitude you are projecting.

We have the ability to influence other people’s performance and how much they strive for doing whatever they are capable of doing. I have to work on making sure I don’t focus on the negative aspects of what Caden doesn’t remember to do or doesn’t do in the right way. I have to remember that he is still young, easily influenced, and that he wants to be accepted, feel important, and feel as though he is successful and capable. If I react negatively to him, those desires get beat down and he may begin to believe he is not accepted, important, or capable of success.

The attitude that I project onto Caden, Lynne, and everyone around me greatly affects how they respond. They may not seem to be influenced when I’m in direct contact with them, but they are. People think through things that are said in conversation, and how the people we’re around “acted” at that party the other night. Many times, we think we are the only people that overanalyze situations. The truth, though, is that most people go through self-reflection of circumstances. They wonder what the other person meant when they made that comment, or gave that “weird” look. We all influence the other people around us. The type of influence we have on them is entirely up to us.